10 Best Lines from Chappelle’s Show.

(* Warning: Contains harsh language and content that some people may find offensive.)


I miss Dave Chappelle . I really do.  He always had this big-ass smile when he performed that always made everything he said seem funnier. Clayton Bigsby, Tyrone Biggums, Rick James, Prince, Tron… No one could do characters like him. 

However, as much as i miss the man, I respect his reasons for suddenly dropping his popular show and a huge pile of fame and cash to go to South Africa to find himself. The gruelling schedule (20 hours/day) to keep the popular show running was burning him out and taking him away from his favourite thing, stand-up comedy. The cracks began to show by the second season. In a stand-up performance in Sacramento in 2004,  Chappelle walked off the stage when the audience kept yelling ” I’m Rick James Bitch! ”  from his very popular skit about singer Rick James. He said this to the crowd before he walked off:

“ You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you’re not smart enough to get what I’m doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong. You people are stupid.“

Anyways Dave, if you ever happen upon this post, know that you have true fans that miss you…and out of respect, i will leave out that famous of Rick James lines.

Below are ten lines from Chapelle’s Show that make me laugh my ass off because i can remember the skit like it was yesterday. I know i said ” The 10 Best Lines” but truthfully, that was just to draw you in…there is no way in hell that i could narrow this amount of gold down to the best of.

1. Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the
    hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.      

2. [Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap]
     Clayton Bigsby: Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger!
     Woogie boogie!                      
     Hip-Hop Fan: Did he just call us niggers?… AWESOME!

3. Dave Chappelle: Knock-knock…
    Audience: Who’s there?
    Dave Chappelle: Some skits, biotch.

4. [after two women had showed him their breasts]
     Rick James: I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

5. Charlie Murphy: The first thing I seen is O.J. Simpson, and I remember thinking to myself
    ‘wow, that’s O.J. Simpson, he has a big fucking head, man’.

6. Slave Master: You’d better watch your mouth!
     Buck Nasty: Yo, you’d better watch your’s, white boy, before I shove these ‘gators up
     your ass and show your insides some style.

7.  Dave Chappelle: Look, man, look. Michael Jackson has many faces – none of them
     look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.
     Prosecutor: He’s been accused of this more than once.
     Dave Chappelle: So? Some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled.
     Prosecutor: What?
     Dave Chappelle: Huh?
     Prosecutor: What?
     Dave Chappelle: Huh?

8. [P. Diddy hosts "Making the Band"]
     P. Diddy: All right, you guys ain’t working as a team. I’m gonna have to shut down the
     studio. The only way I’ll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some
     breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

9. Businessman: I’ll have a Samuel Jackson.
     Samuel Jackson: [shouts] Good motherfucking choice, motherfucker! Samuel Jackson!
     Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It’ll get ya drunk! You’ll be fucking fat girls
     in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch!
     [Jackson walks up to the businessman]
     Samuel Jackson: [shouts] How’s it taste, motherfucker?
     Businessman: Could you please stop yelling at me?
     Samuel Jackson: [shouts] No, I can’t stop yelling, ’cause that’s how I talk! Haven’t you
     seen my movies? “Juice” That was a good one! “Deep Blue Sea” They ate me! A
     motherfucking shark ate me! Drink up, bitch!

10. Charlie Murphy: Hey Prince, you got a towel? It’s kinda hot in here.
       Prince: Why don’t you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

The Best lines from SNL's "Deep Thoughts."

You probably remember hearing the name Jack Handey when it was attached to the infamous Saturday Night Live skit called ‘Deep Thoughts’. If you’re like me, you also probably didn’t know that Jack Handey is a real person who’s still alive today.

Nothing makes me laugh out loud like the one-liners he’s written and as i’ve begun to circulate his work again recently, it turns out my friends and colleagues couldn’t agree more.

So here’s to you Jack, an ode to 10  11 12 of your lines that have made me piss myself.

1. ”If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

2. ”I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.”

3. ”If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

4. ”One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

5. ”Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.”

6. ”It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

7. ”If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him, is probably a joke that gets old really fast.”

8. ”Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ‘Aw, who cares?’ And then I think, ‘Hey, what’s for supper?”

9. “In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

10. ”Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

11. ”Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”

12. ”A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.”

Movie Roles that almost broke the actor. Part 1

   There's something refreshing about an actor winning a coveted award because they deserved it, don't you think? I'm talking about actors that have literally become the role they set out to play and almost lost themselves in the process. For example, Eddie Murphy in the role of Dr. Dolittle is exactly what i DON'T mean.
  
   This is the first installment in a series chronicling some of the actors that did so chillingly well in their role that it left you crying or possibly throwing up. God bless 'em!  




1. Heath Ledger as The Joker

"Why So Serious?" I'll tell you why. In his role as the Joker in 'The Dark Knight', Ledger became so entrenched in his character that he spent a month in a hotel room logging his progress as he slowly transformed himself into the Batman nemesis. Jack Nicholson had apparently warned Heath of the risks of playing such a role knowing full well how it could change a man. Regardless, Ledger immersed himself and the role took its toll. He was reported to be getting less than 2hrs. sleep a night towards the end of filming. Heath Ledger died on January 22, 2008, shortly after the film wrapped up. Following his death, a lot of questions were raised about how much that final role played a part in his unfortunate death.



2. Christian Bale as John Connor

During the filming of 'Terminator: Salvation', Bale tore the Director of Photography, Shane Hurlbut, a new ass because he was fiddling with the lights during an intense scene. Apparently the fiddler had already been asked nicely by Bale not to do that.
Regardless, what got released was the audio recording of that tirade and suddenly, Bale was a dipshit. He had to go into career damage control apologizing to everyone including Betty White for no reason whatsoever.
You can hear a recording of the rant here: http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

3. Joaquin Phoenix as Joaquin Phoenix

  
 
   I suppose losing yourself in a role playing yourself seems kind of odd except guess what, it's called crazy. We've all seen the famous Letterman interview where a raggedy Phoenix confirmed that he was leaving his filming gig for rapping. In what went on for almost 2 years, Joaquin had people scratching their heads wondering what the f*ck was up with him. Did he lose his shit or was he just plain delusional?
   'Remember Me' was finally revealed by Director Casey Affleck to be  a Mockumentary. Phoenix admitted later during an interview that he wanted out...that playing his doppelganger got to be too much. Plus, he was probably finding it hard to get laid looking like a hairy rapping testicle.


4. Matt Damon as Ilario

   

For his role as a heroin-loving-medic in 'Courage Under Fire', Damon lost about 50 pounds. He admitted that he went too far when he cooked up some heroin back stage at the 68th Academy Awards...(ha! That didn't actually happen, it just felt right to write it.)
   However, what DID actually happen was Damon jumping on a 100-day intensive strict diet to lose weight for the role which led to dizzy spells and hot flashes. His adrenal gland suffered so much from the dramatic weight loss that he had to take medication for several years following the film. All this for 2 days worth of filming and i can't even make it to the gym 2 days in a row. Pffft!





5. Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown

   In the movie 'My Left Foot' Daniel played the role of Christy Brown, a real-life hero who was born with cerebral palsy and used the only limb he could control, his left foot, to write and paint with. Interesting because i can't do shit with my left foot and my legs work just fine.
   For this role, Mr. Day-Lewis refused to leave his character's wheelchair, only spoke in the broken dialect of a Cerebral Palsy victim and even had crew members feed him.
  

" X-Men: Zero Class " Real life Mutant Losers.

 In honour of the latest X-Men installment " First Class ", I've cobbled together a list of real life mutants who could easily have made the X-Men squad if they weren't such losers.

Sarah Palin (A.K.A " Hickory Stick ")

Hometown: Wasilla, Alaska
Mutant Powers: Dummy Down









Background:  Sarah's ability to make no sense of something that makes perfect sense has allowed her to nearly woo a whole nation. Add to that her ability to take down a caribou using only her teeth and no wonder people are in awe of her.

Downfall: She only managed to fill out half of her X-Men application stating that most of the questions were trick questions.




Donald Trump (A.K.A. " 2 Pay ")

Hometown: New York City, N.Y.
Mutant Powers: Hair Trump







Background: The real estate tycoon needs no introduction. He's declared bankruptcy more times than Ron Jeremy's had sex... and yet, he manages to sleep every night on a bed made of money and blood diamonds. His famous 'hair' has been referred to as the straw baby Jesus was born on. He makes Medusa look like a real pussy.

Downfall:  His ambition got the best of him one day when he called Professor X out on his birth certificate, hoping the rest of the team would turn on their bald leader. His hair piece was the only thing that saved his life that day.


Snooki ( A.K.A. " Pickle Princess ")

Hometown: Joysy
Mutant Powers: Pickle juice spray

Background: She's orange, she's low to the ground and she will smother you with her v'jay jay....all the attributes of a perfect mutant. They say Snooki's eaten so many Dill Pickles that her blood now coarses green. Her pickle juice spray comes from every orifice and burns like acid. She's also disgustingly sexy, she once banged Warren Buffett in his hot tub and then later robbed him blind.

Downfall: Her constant entourage of Guidos has blown the X-Men's cover once too many times.

Nadya Suleman ( A.K.A. " Octomom " )

Hometown: La Habra, California

Mutant Powers: Baby Launcher

Background: Octomom can spit out babies at will, easily throwing off her ennemies. Even the " Mutant Liberation Front " has a soft spot for babies which puts them at a disadvantage. Add to that her ability to block her nose causing her lips to blow up to the size of a dingy, drowning her is next to impossible. Lastly, she's been able to shelter helpless millions of mortals in her womb at any given time.

Downfall: Nadya's reproductive organs unfortunately will leave babies behind like a trail of M&Ms.


This is just the beginning folks. The world is filled with mutant losers. Stay tuned for the next edition.
If you have any suggestions of obvious mutants that I've not mentioned, please call them out and maybe your name WON'T make this list.

10 thoughts Mark Zuckerberg might have as his eyes bore into your soul.

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

"I've decided that perhaps we should continue our meetings via e-mail, text or phone calls from this point forward. When we last met, you stared at me for a full 5 minutes without saying a word after I asked you how you were doing. 
You unnerved me Sir. In fact, in those 5 minutes, i went from questioning what i had said wrong  to scrutinizing my childhood."

Yours Truly,
Mel Gibson

   Have you ever watched a Mark Zuckerberg interview? I have....a few. The only way to describe them would be 'weird' I guess. Not 'weird' as in one of those moments when the interviewer or the interviewee is having a weird day... http://youtu.be/GNrB6qpmNwg  

   'Weird' like trying to have a conversation with a 'Zombie' kind of weird. Even his closest friends have said that Mark is programming even as you're talking to him. 

   I've always wondered what goes through Mr. Facebook's mind as he stares blankly at you...is it sheer brilliance as in he can see what's happening on Saturn at any given moment or is it simply because his tear ducts don't work and he's crying inside.

   So here now is my list of 'thoughts' that might be going through Mr. Zuckerberg's mind as he stares at you like a newborn baby.

1. " 'The Social Network'...Pffft! God i hate that movie! Yes i did fuck a lot of people out of money but why did they have to make me look so weird.  "

2. " What if people just  stop suddenly 'liking' things? Then what? Do I replace it with a 'hate' button? Yeah, that's it....people can start 'hating' things....like Google! "

3. " I feel like crying right now....Keep it together Mark! Woo them with that warm, engaged look they love and expect from you....you must! "

4. " I'm so pissed that Old Navy ran out of my favourite t-shirts! I should just buy those bastards out and make them sell only 'my' t-shirts! Holy Shit! I'm on to something! "

5. " <HTML>

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    if (navigator.appVersion.indexOf ("5.") >= 0)
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6. " Why did Priscilla ignore me last night after i mentioned a pre-nup? " 

7. "Blink....1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9...10....blink........

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9...10.....blink....1.... 2... 3...."

8. " I mean 'Prince' worked for Prince, i don't see why officially changing my name to Zuck wouldn't work.....shit, it's one letter away from fuck...i hate people. "

9. " Wow, how long is it going to take for these morons to realize that they're talking to a clone ? " 

10. " I own you....just saying....would you talk to God like this? "

Charlie Sheen's Goddesses: The Good, the Bad, and the Damaged.

He's an actor, a warlock, he's 2 men, he's a nymphomaniac and drug addict, he's a father and serial husband and let us not forget, he's a winner.

Even though it sounds like I'm describing the Governator, Arnold will never come close to being the bad boy Charlie Sheen is....especially these days..... It just doesn't matter that you look like a pile of smoked butts when you're winning.

SO....on that note.
We're paying tribute to the women who've had the b*lls to enter the funhouse called Charlie Sheen, only to come out the other side laughing maniacally....literally.

Paula Profitt
At age 16, Sheen fathered a child with her. He set her up with a house and trust fund so she wouldn't abort the baby.

Winona Ryder
Caught shoplifting in Beverly Hills in 2001 which translated into 3 years probation. Apparently she was high during her trial.

Heidi Fleiss
Moving on.

Cathy St.George
Playmate of the month for August 1982. He puts his bib on, playboy bunnies are on the menu.

Kelly Preston
They got engaged in 1990 and then he accidentally shot her in the arm. So she went for someone normal like John Travolta.

Ginger Lynn
Convicted in 1991 for falsifying a tax return. She once said, " It wasn't that Charlie wasn't a good lover, he just needed to learn to pay attention to someone other than himself..."

Stephanie Seymour
She couldn't decide between Axl Rose and the Warlock.

Heather Hunter
Porn star. She was inducted into the Adult Video Hall of Fame in 2003.

Donna Peele
She and he got hitched in 2005. Also that year, he admitted under oath that he had spent 50k on prostitutes. The winning begins.

Brittany Ashland
Sheen was charged with misdemeanor battery against Brittany. Later that year, he overdosed on cocaine.

Summer Altice
Playboy playmate. Porn star and esteemed academy nominee for her role in " The Scorpion King".

Brooke Mueller
Sheen was arrested on domestic violence charges against Brooke. He spent 30 days in jail. She lost custody of their twin boys to her parents after she allegedly pawned off jewelry to buy crack.

Capri Anderson
Porn star. She was with Sheen at the New York Plaza Hotel the infamous night he caused 7k damages to his room. She locked herself in the washroom to protect herself. We soon discovered he couldn't get it up and his career was just about done.

Gigi Rivera
Gigi was with Sheen when the paramedics arrived after his famous 36-hour sex-and-drug bender crash.

Kacey Jordan
So was this porn star.

Bree Olson
Porn star and Penthouse pet. Bree is one of Charlie's current GFs. She retired from porn to be with the winner, stating: "As long as I'm with Charlie. Be sure you put that in there though. 'As long as I'm with Charlie, I am retired.' "