In honour of the latest X-Men installment " First Class ", I've cobbled together a list of real life mutants who could easily have made the X-Men squad if they weren't such losers.
Sarah Palin (A.K.A " Hickory Stick ")
Hometown: Wasilla, Alaska
Mutant Powers: Dummy Down
Background: Sarah's ability to make no sense of something that makes perfect sense has allowed her to nearly woo a whole nation. Add to that her ability to take down a caribou using only her teeth and no wonder people are in awe of her.
Downfall: She only managed to fill out half of her X-Men application stating that most of the questions were trick questions.
Donald Trump (A.K.A. " 2 Pay ")
Hometown: New York City, N.Y.
Mutant Powers: Hair Trump
Background: The real estate tycoon needs no introduction. He's declared bankruptcy more times than Ron Jeremy's had sex... and yet, he manages to sleep every night on a bed made of money and blood diamonds. His famous 'hair' has been referred to as the straw baby Jesus was born on. He makes Medusa look like a real pussy.
Downfall: His ambition got the best of him one day when he called Professor X out on his birth certificate, hoping the rest of the team would turn on their bald leader. His hair piece was the only thing that saved his life that day.
Snooki ( A.K.A. " Pickle Princess ")
Hometown: Joysy
Mutant Powers: Pickle juice spray
Background: Octomom can spit out babies at will, easily throwing off her ennemies. Even the " Mutant Liberation Front " has a soft spot for babies which puts them at a disadvantage. Add to that her ability to block her nose causing her lips to blow up to the size of a dingy, drowning her is next to impossible. Lastly, she's been able to shelter helpless millions of mortals in her womb at any given time.
Downfall: Nadya's reproductive organs unfortunately will leave babies behind like a trail of M&Ms.
This is just the beginning folks. The world is filled with mutant losers. Stay tuned for the next edition.
If you have any suggestions of obvious mutants that I've not mentioned, please call them out and maybe your name WON'T make this list.
Sarah Palin (A.K.A " Hickory Stick ")
Hometown: Wasilla, Alaska
Mutant Powers: Dummy Down
Background: Sarah's ability to make no sense of something that makes perfect sense has allowed her to nearly woo a whole nation. Add to that her ability to take down a caribou using only her teeth and no wonder people are in awe of her.
Downfall: She only managed to fill out half of her X-Men application stating that most of the questions were trick questions.
Donald Trump (A.K.A. " 2 Pay ")
Hometown: New York City, N.Y.
Mutant Powers: Hair Trump
Background: The real estate tycoon needs no introduction. He's declared bankruptcy more times than Ron Jeremy's had sex... and yet, he manages to sleep every night on a bed made of money and blood diamonds. His famous 'hair' has been referred to as the straw baby Jesus was born on. He makes Medusa look like a real pussy.
Downfall: His ambition got the best of him one day when he called Professor X out on his birth certificate, hoping the rest of the team would turn on their bald leader. His hair piece was the only thing that saved his life that day.
Snooki ( A.K.A. " Pickle Princess ")
Hometown: Joysy
Mutant Powers: Pickle juice spray
Background: She's orange, she's low to the ground and she will smother you with her v'jay jay....all the attributes of a perfect mutant. They say Snooki's eaten so many Dill Pickles that her blood now coarses green. Her pickle juice spray comes from every orifice and burns like acid. She's also disgustingly sexy, she once banged Warren Buffett in his hot tub and then later robbed him blind.
Downfall: Her constant entourage of Guidos has blown the X-Men's cover once too many times.
Nadya Suleman ( A.K.A. " Octomom " )
Hometown: La Habra, California
Mutant Powers: Baby Launcher
Background: Octomom can spit out babies at will, easily throwing off her ennemies. Even the " Mutant Liberation Front " has a soft spot for babies which puts them at a disadvantage. Add to that her ability to block her nose causing her lips to blow up to the size of a dingy, drowning her is next to impossible. Lastly, she's been able to shelter helpless millions of mortals in her womb at any given time.
Downfall: Nadya's reproductive organs unfortunately will leave babies behind like a trail of M&Ms.
This is just the beginning folks. The world is filled with mutant losers. Stay tuned for the next edition.
If you have any suggestions of obvious mutants that I've not mentioned, please call them out and maybe your name WON'T make this list.
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